Getting back into the swing...

Its not easy renewing old routines, or creating new ones. They say once you do something 3x it becomes habit. I hope so! Its hard to learn to prioritize differently, and set aside a certain time for my devotion, more time for prayer, etc. Its not that I dont love it, I do.. .and I always seem so refreshed afterward. Its just hard to stop thinking "the dishes need to be done" "did Abbi just make a coughing noise? is she ok?" "Why did the cat sneeze?" "What am I going to cook for dinner", all while trying to focus. Its going to take time for me to retrain myself to let go and just BE with God. I've let the business of life get hold of me for a long time... time to learn to take a break :)

I'm also finding that the more I pray, the more things I think of to pray for. Some are for me, some are for others, some are just praises and worship. It is amazing to me the places God leads me in prayer. Something I've had on my heart lately I've really been lifting up to Him tonight, and I'm just praying that I will have peace about it eventually, and that it wont bother me so much. I have long struggled with the feeling of not being "good enough"... good enough to be a mom, good enough to be loved by my friends, good enough for God... I know that 99% of the time those fears are irrational... but sometimes in my darkest times, I am reminded of my failures, and of others sometimes lack view of me. I really let that get to me, and feel second best... damaged... unloved. I dont know what I need right now... I know that some things my loved ones say (or dont say) hurts, and there may never be a "cure" for hurt feelings. But maybe, someday, I can overcome my own compounded guilt and shame as a result of those actions (or inactions) and be ok with the situation, and me...