Working on my Heart

As I am starting once again down this journey of spiritual discovery, God is bringing to my attention ways that I have doubted Him. Its not something I can even say I've fully overcome yet, but its something that I know God will help me work on and work through over time.

The biggest thing for me right now is believing that God has my best interest at heart... trusting Him and really letting go to let Him be in control.

So many bad things have happened to my family recently. I know I'm certainly not the only one to suffer in the world, and maybe that's part of it too... I see myself, AND others suffering, and I wonder, where is the promise in that?

Subconsciously I have pushed God out, and not let Him have control over matters where something could forseeably go wrong... my pregnancy, my daughter's health, my marriage, our safety. I dont want to push God away... I want to learn to trust again, to believe that His promises are real... and to understand how God can be a promise-keeper and still allow suffering. I want to know that God really does have a plan that brings good, and not harm to my family... its hard to believe that seeing all that my daughter struggles with every day, and knowing I have a child I will never hold in my arms.... knowing my husband has tumors in his knees and that at the age of 22 I had already had my first scare with breast cancer.

In the scheme of things, I know that we are a hundred times more fortunate than so many others... perhaps God will give me new perspective as I travel down this road... its not an easy journey.