Seek Ye First

My verse calendar today greeted me with this passage this morning:

"Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." Matthew 6:33

I have been so down in the dumps, so filled with depression, so sad... and I've been trying to figure out why I have been having such a hard time with all of this. The truth is that the biggest variables in who I am between these trials and the trials I've experienced before, is that I have just not felt as close to God... haven't leaned on Him, haven't "sought God's kingdom first"... Its been in the back of my mind, and more and more everyday I have heard his calling to "come home"... that he is the comforter, the strength giver, the answer to my prayers... I can't explain why I have been so blocked. A lot of things I guess. Point is, its time to turn around. Again. I wish I knew why I struggled with this so so much. I love God. I do. I want to be close to God. I dont know why my mind and my heart pull me in two different directions, but its time to listen to the one that is pulling me in the direction I know deep down is right. There is a book I've been wanting to read called "The Power of a Praying Woman"- its by the same author as the book "The Power of a Praying Wife" ( which I would also highly reccommend. I LOVED it and it saved my marriage, by helping me come to a new perspective on both marriage, and myself. ) I'm going to start reading it today, and will keep a journal to write out my t houghts. I also have another book that I started a long time ago and just fell in love with: "Lies Women Believe And The Truth That Sets Them Free" - awesome bible study. My goal is to get through both of those books in the next couple weeks, and to just turn my focus around from internally to externally... look at the big picture, rebuild my faith, and hopefully gain some perspective to help me grow closer to the Source of everything.