Fixating on God

The Lord led me to a passage in Deuteronomy today. Deut 11:18-21

"Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them whien you sit at home, and when you walk along the road, when you lie down, and when you get up. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land that the Lord swore to give your forefathers, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth."

This passage was underlined in my bible... I had read it and been drawn to it before. I have an obligation, and a spiritual call, to fill my mind, my home, and my speech/actions with my family/children with God's word... Its so important to teach my kids about God. I pray He will show me how to best do that, so that Abbi and the new baby will grow up loving Him and have a passion for Him.

Submission

"Do you know when the mountain goats give birth?
Do ou watch wehn the doe bears her fawn?
Do you count the months till they bear?
Do you know the time they give birth?
The crouch down and bring forth their young;
their labor pains are ended.
Their young thrive and grow strong in the wilds;
they leave and do not return."
Job 39:1-4

Sometimes God will lead me to a passage, and my first and only thought is "HUH?"

But that then presents me with a challenge to find how God intended me to understand this passage, and what He wants me to really gain from reading it.

This group of verses is actually God speaking to Job. He was explaining, in His own mysterious way, that Job's knowledge of the universe, and its workings, were quite limited. God wasn't seeking answers from Job, when he asked those questions. He was showing Job answers of his own. We need to understand that God can see everything... He has the big picture in mind, down to the day and time, and exact second that even a baby goat is born on the side of a mountain. God was showing Job that if only he would give up fighting against the reasons behind what was happening to him, God would bring him through it to a time that God knew would be better, and even greater than that, God would restore his spirit.

God can restore our spirits too, but we have to submit to His will, even in the worst of times, when we are most mournful, most angry, most hurt, and most scared. God can see the big picture and He knows what our future is. He has a plan for good in our lives, not evil. We can get through the hard times on that promise, and wait on God to reveal His amazing plan and restoration to our souls and lives.

Psalm 51

This is one of my favorite Psalms... it always brings my perspective right back to God, and after praying this scripture, I always feel like I have a fresh start and a renewed faith and relationship with God. There is nothing sweeter! For this entry, I think I will just post the scripture... it says enough!

"Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, I have sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.
Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Surely you desire truth in the inner parts;
you teach me my wisdom in the inmost place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.
Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God you will not despise.

In your good pleaseure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.
Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your alter."

REMEMBER ME!

Rememberance. Its a word that is used in so many facets in regards to spirituality. God led me to several passages today in Psalms. The first one, and the one I'm going to talk about here is in Ps. 50:22-23

"Consider this, you who forget God,
or I will tear you to pieces, with none to rescue.
He who sacrifices thank offerings honors me,
and he prepares the way
so that I may show him the salvation of God."

God does not attempt to hide the severity of forgetting him... He says that those who forget God will be "torn to pieces, with none to rescue." Not a pretty picture. A big misconception, and a big danger, for many Christians, is the belief that Satan attemps to turn us against God. This is NOT true for the majority. Rather, Satan tries to fill us with forgetfulness of God. If we forget about God, move on in our day, in our lives, over time, without Him... we distance ourselves, and thus become more vulnerable to sin and temptation. It isn't hatred we must so desperately look out for, though that is a danger as well. The biggest concern, is forgetfulness. We must always be mindful, and remember to thank our Creator each day for the very gift of life, and all of its many amazing moments.

Its something that I do struggle with. I find that I often go through my day, putting off my devotions until the last minute... making them the final thing on my to do list... placing God last. One of my newest goals for myself is to set aside a certain time every single day devoted to connecting with God, thanking him for my breath, and my life, and all of the wonders that each day brings... and asking Him, what it is that HE wants for me today.

No better time to start than the present...

Meaningless! Meaningless!

Those were the words I read as God led me to a passage in Ecclesiastes today. I can remember reading those words for the first time, years ago as a child, and feeling so so confused. How could God create a life that is meaningless? Why would he create everything in the world if it didn't have a purpose? Taking a look at the passage, and its *context* I now understand. The passage reads:

"'Meaningless! Meaningless!'
says the Teacher.
'Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless.'

What does man gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?
Generations come and generations go,
but the earth remains forever.
The sun rises and the sun sets,
and hurries bac to where it rises.
The wind blows to the south
and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
ever returning on its course.
All streams flow to the sea,
yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
there they return again.
All things are wearisome,
more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing.
What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.
Is there anything of which one can say,
'Look! This is something new' ?
It was here already, long ago;
it was here before our time.
There is no rememberence of men of old,
and even those who are yet to come
will not be remembered
by those who follow."

Solomon, the writer of this passage, was King over Israel in Jerusalem. He had EVERYTHING. Wisdom, wealth, power, EVERYTHING. And yet, he said over and over how it was all worthless. his meaning in doing so, was to teach the people that the only meaning in life is in God. If we live our lives for money, for beauty, for power... our lives will end with nothing but emptiness. the only way to live a fulfilling and happy life; one which we can look back on with satisfaction and fulfillment, is to live for God.

That does not mean that it is wrong to prosper, or to enjoy the things that God gives us in life to enjoy. Enjoyment, experience, and happiness, are much different than the purpose of life, though they are both a part of it. God intends for us to experience both the good and bad that this world has to offer... to build our character and to help us become better people. The only way to find true meaning and purpose in life is to focus it on God. After the focus is set to God, all else follows.

Time to readjust my purpose, and to find what God's plans are for me, instead of MY plans for God.

Words of Comfort

God led me to a passage in Isaiah today: Isaiah 40:1-5. It reads:

"Comfort, comfort my people,
says your God.
Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the Lord's hand
double for all her sins.

A voice of one calling:
'In the desert prepare
the way for the Lord;
make straight in the wilderness a highway for our God.
Every valley shall be raised up,
every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
the rugged places a plain.
And the glory of the Lord will be revealed,
and all mankind together will see it.
For the mouth of the Lord has spoken.' "

I have been thinking on why God led me to these verses, and I'm still not entirely sure, though I know he always has a purpose. I am thankful to hear that God is the almighty comforter... it is wonderful to have that reminder, even when things are calm, so that when things DO get harder, I know where to turn, and that God will always be there for me.

God doesn't promise that he will deliver us from adversity... just that we will have Him at our side while we endure it. He can provide comfort, peace of mind, and joy in the midst of the storm, if we truly seek Him and focus on His promises with faith.

In the next passage, God reminded me that my calling goes beyond understanding and changing myself for the better. There is a commission for me... for all Christians. We are called to be disciples, and to go out into the land and "prepare the way for the Lord". I have a lot of work to do, and God is calling me to do it.

I pray that He will guide me on what steps to take so that I can best serve Him, and refocus my mission in life to a godly ideal, rather than focused more inward to my own goals and ambitions.

Serenity

Somehow that word is forever tainted by giggles as I picture George Castanza yelling "SERENITY NOW!" in an episode of Seinfeld... still... bear with me...

The serenity prayer is something that has meant a lot to me in the past year and a half... and even back into my childhood.

I remember as a kid, going into my grandparents bathroom, and right by the... "throne"... was a wall-hanging with this familiar prayer. I remember thinking how neat it was that you were reminded at various points during the day ;) that we are not in control, and that God is... My grandparents have always been a spiritual model of sorts for me that way... while they have certainly made their share of mistakes, they have always been faithful to God, and I hope to carry on that tradition as time goes on. Its an amazing legacy.

Then again, about a year and a half ago, I lost my baby. My beautiful child who we had already fallen in love with, prepared for, and waited anxiously on, was taken from us. I was heartbroken. Abbi's then occupational therapist came by the house with a gift bag in her hand and tears in her eyes. She simply handed me the bag, and said, lip shaking, "I'm so sorry Kristin"... I was so moved by her simple gesture of understanding and friendship that once again i was brought to tears... tears of thankfulness for someone who knew not to just explain it away, or tell me it was meant to be... tears of grief and sorrow for the loss I was experiencing... tears of release for finally crying with someone, and not holding back the tears any longer... I sat down with her, as we both wiped away the tears, and I opened the precious gift she brought. It was a simple lace wallhanging, with the Serenity Prayer beautifully embroidered.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

At the time, it was a revelation to me to realize that my loss was something I could not change... and that the only way to heal was to accept it. Accepting didn't mean losing hope that I would one day hold that precious child, and accepting didn't mean that grief could no longer reside in my heart. Grief is a part of loss... even Christ grieved. It is a godly emotion, as devastating and painful as it is. From that time forward I just prayed for the serenity to accept the fact that I could not change it, and for God to help me grow in my grief... for something positive to come of it.

Though I am still waiting for something positive to come of that particular time in my life, I can see how much that one gesture of friendship, and that one spiritual reminder meant to me, and means to me still. Today that wall-hanging hangs over my couch, by the window... where I placed it the very day that LaKeecha gave it to me.

It reminds me every day that I am only "in charge" of dealing with what God hands me. I am not responsible for changing the unchangable... be that people or situations. The only thing I can change is myself.

I can change my view of acceptance, and continually ask God for the serenity to gracefully accept the path that he has placed before me, or I can blindly keep trying to change things that are not my place to change.

Hard as it may be to see, I do believe that good can come out of EVERY bad situation. Faith is believing in what we cannot see. Even though I cannot see the positive in some of the situations and choices others have made in my life (that affect me), the only thing I can change is myself and my approach to the situation.

So God, grant me the serenity to accept these things I cannot change, with grace and love. Help me to be a good steward of the things you HAVE given to me, and may blessing come to all involved.

:)

The Lord is my Shepherd

I opened my Bible and turned immediately to Psalm 23... it seems appropriate since I appear to have been feeling a little downtrodden lately.

"The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not be in want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
He reastores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the sadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
For you are with me;
Your rod and your staff,
They comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
In the presence f my enemies.
You annoint my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
All the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever."

Something about just opening up God's word and reading it, brings me such a feeling of comfort... I remember going to Vacation Bible School as a kid, and getting that same feeling, learning about God and his faithfulness in different stories and examples. Every time I learned something new I remember just smiling, and feeling like I knew God a little better. Then He seemed like a big grandpa to me. Someone who will look over you, and hold you to his warm shoulder, telling you with a wrinkled jaw, how precious you are to Him, and how much he loves you. In those times it was easy to feel so close to God.

That image of God has changed bit by bit over the years into an image of a strong and powerful Creator. Someone who is Ruler and King. The personal side of God seems to have slipped from my experiences with Him, and I think I see now that THAT is a big portion of why I have felt so distant... so estranged from the God I once knew. God can be, and IS God Almighty, but he is also God the Father... a loving God that wants to hold me to his warm shoulder, and tell me with wrinkled jaw how precious I am to Him.

It has been a long time since I have felt that warmth, comfort, love, and peace. Its been a long time since I've opened myself up to it, and really sought out God's face. Its amazing to finally be starting back at that place, embracing God, and starting down the road again, holding his warm weathered hand as I walk in the life He has for me.

God is good.

Working on my Heart

As I am starting once again down this journey of spiritual discovery, God is bringing to my attention ways that I have doubted Him. Its not something I can even say I've fully overcome yet, but its something that I know God will help me work on and work through over time.

The biggest thing for me right now is believing that God has my best interest at heart... trusting Him and really letting go to let Him be in control.

So many bad things have happened to my family recently. I know I'm certainly not the only one to suffer in the world, and maybe that's part of it too... I see myself, AND others suffering, and I wonder, where is the promise in that?

Subconsciously I have pushed God out, and not let Him have control over matters where something could forseeably go wrong... my pregnancy, my daughter's health, my marriage, our safety. I dont want to push God away... I want to learn to trust again, to believe that His promises are real... and to understand how God can be a promise-keeper and still allow suffering. I want to know that God really does have a plan that brings good, and not harm to my family... its hard to believe that seeing all that my daughter struggles with every day, and knowing I have a child I will never hold in my arms.... knowing my husband has tumors in his knees and that at the age of 22 I had already had my first scare with breast cancer.

In the scheme of things, I know that we are a hundred times more fortunate than so many others... perhaps God will give me new perspective as I travel down this road... its not an easy journey.

Standing Firm

I've spent a lot of time debating, learning and studying the controversial topics of Christianity... conservatism versus liberalism. I dont believe either political standpoint is bad, or good... its the people behind those beliefs and their deep down spiritual convictions that determines whether a stance is godly or not. I will admit that I've walked into the gray area several times... a gray area I know now I muddied myself. God gives a clear black and white in His word... it is only through my own justification that I have allowed myself to make the mistakes I have. I know I have a lot I need to ask God forgiveness for. He's made that clear. There are things in my past I can't even admit to myself that I've done. Nothing to harm others... but definately acts that I am deeply ashamed of and will regret for the rest of my life. I'm thankful God will let me start over... that spiritually I can make it as though those things never ever happened, and I can move on and learn from those mistakes never to make them again, and to help others who have fallen into that trap. As a result, I'm also convicted to really stand firm in my beliefs... to stand firm in the truth of God's word. No longer can I say that certain things are "ok"... I know they aren't. It doesn't mean that I can't love people and be friends with them, and respect their right to their own choices. But just because I respect their RIGHT to make that choice, doesn't mean that I like the choice they are making. As a friend, I hope I will be strong, and I hope God will give me the grace and the words to do the right thing, in all situations, in my own life, in talking with friends, and in having political discussions with strangers...

Getting back into the swing...

Its not easy renewing old routines, or creating new ones. They say once you do something 3x it becomes habit. I hope so! Its hard to learn to prioritize differently, and set aside a certain time for my devotion, more time for prayer, etc. Its not that I dont love it, I do.. .and I always seem so refreshed afterward. Its just hard to stop thinking "the dishes need to be done" "did Abbi just make a coughing noise? is she ok?" "Why did the cat sneeze?" "What am I going to cook for dinner", all while trying to focus. Its going to take time for me to retrain myself to let go and just BE with God. I've let the business of life get hold of me for a long time... time to learn to take a break :)

I'm also finding that the more I pray, the more things I think of to pray for. Some are for me, some are for others, some are just praises and worship. It is amazing to me the places God leads me in prayer. Something I've had on my heart lately I've really been lifting up to Him tonight, and I'm just praying that I will have peace about it eventually, and that it wont bother me so much. I have long struggled with the feeling of not being "good enough"... good enough to be a mom, good enough to be loved by my friends, good enough for God... I know that 99% of the time those fears are irrational... but sometimes in my darkest times, I am reminded of my failures, and of others sometimes lack view of me. I really let that get to me, and feel second best... damaged... unloved. I dont know what I need right now... I know that some things my loved ones say (or dont say) hurts, and there may never be a "cure" for hurt feelings. But maybe, someday, I can overcome my own compounded guilt and shame as a result of those actions (or inactions) and be ok with the situation, and me...

The Folly of Bitterness

I've just started reading a devotional called "Journey: A Woman's Guide to Intimacy With God", and its really very good :) Different women, prevalent in the church, or in Christian writing or music, write the devotions each day. This one, written by Chris Tiegreen, is based on the verse, "Forgive and you will be forgiven" Luke 6:37.

Its a verse I have had memorized since I was a kid, and yet, its a premise that is hard to adopt sometimes. There are people in my life who I seem to be at battle with more often than not... people that I do deeply love and care about. We misunderstand each other, lash out in our misunderstandings, and wind up hurting each other... and over the years, it becomes something harder and harder to forget. The "70x7" sometimes feels like its quickly coming to an end, and I wonder if I can ever truly let go or forget the pain from it to get back to the carefree open hearted type of relationship I have enjoyed with these people in the past. But God says I can. Not only that, but I should. And he says he'll help me. Here is an excerpt from the devotion today:

"Why do we hang on to bitterness the way we do? We nurse our resentments and cultivate them as though they are doing us a favor. We harbor grudges, often remembering offenses for years. We act as if our mental punishment of someone else somehow brings them to justice. But we decieve ourselves. Bitterness eats away at our lives, stealing our joy and eroding our sense of peace, while never - not once - hurting the one we resent.

This is such a pitiful human tendency, and yet we have all done it. We let offenses - large and small, real and imagined - rob us of the joy God means for us to have. How can we possibly understand God's forgiveness this way? When we focus on judgment and justice toward others, can we ever understand God's mercy toward us? Do we really imagine that those who have sinned against us have sinned greatly, while our offenses against God are minor and easy for Him to overlook? If so, we have it backward. Our sins against God, no matter how small, are offenses against the eternal, infinite, Being. They therefore erquired an eternal, infinite sacrifice. Offenses against us pale in comparison.

Jesus' parable of the man who owed the king the rediculously large amount of 10,000 talents (Matthew 18:23-35) should hit home. He was forgiven his huge debt, only to go out and hold minor accounts against his debtors. His story is our story, at least until we learn better. We underestimate the offense of our sins against God and overestimate the offenses of others against us.

Far from being a legal prerequisite for our own forgiveness, Jesus' command to forgive others prepares us to understand the gospel. The God of extravagent mercy asks us only to get a glimpse of God's mercy by forgiving them."

Even in just my first few devotions, I know that there are a lot of things that God can work to change for the better in me. My prayer is that he would help me identify them, and then help me work to change them as the time goes on.